Confessionals

There isn’t a lot of variety in the m4w ads, so when there’s something even slightly out of the ordinary, I tend to pay attention. Titled “Does this really work?” and containing the obligatory dick pic, the text of the ad said “Do women actually get turned in by looking at pictures of penises?”

Since this is something I feel strongly about, I posted my own ad saying “No, it doesn’t! I’m a woman, and I will not answer any ad that includes a picture of your junk.”

I received as few emails in response to that ad. Most were uninteresting, but one had pictures of a very cute redhead. I’ve always had a weakness for redheads.

I wrote him back, and we exchanged a few flirtatious emails and arranged to meet at a bar on Alberta that neither of us had been to before. It turned out to be swanker that the dives I usually frequent. I saw Nick in the foyer, looking as out of place as I felt. We were very nearly the only ones there.

We talked about the usual things- where are you from, what do you do, how long have you been on Craigslist, etc.

Nick clued me in to the way men operate on Casual Encounters. They usually have a canned response ready to cut and paste to any ad that sounds like a real woman and not a bot. Often men will flag a real woman’s ad, figuring that the fewer responses she gets, the better his chances are.

Nick had spent his last few years traveling, snowboarding and getting laid. When I asked how many women he’d had sex with, he though for a minute and hazarded “Maybe 75?” (At this point, my lifetime total of men was 4.)

I finished my whisky and diet, he finished his daisy-shaped polenta cakes, and we decided to head back to my place. As we left, Nick’s phone rang. Her told me his roommate had locked herself out, and he needed to go let her in. I gave him my address and he promised to come over as soon as he could.

I walked the two miles home, tipsy and feeling very pleased with myself. Nick was very appealing, and almost ten years my junior. Pretty heady stuff for a newly-single woman pushing 35.

At home, I had another stiff drink and puttered around my apartment. After an hour, I began to get impatient. I had another drink. When two hours had passed, I sent an angry text message- “Did you decide I was too ugly to fuck?” No response.

Eventually I went to bed, drunk, angry, horny and humiliated. But after a couple of days, I got over it. Plenty more fish and all that.

Months later, my son and I were at the bus stop on our way to his school. It was cold and rainy that morning, so everyone was bundled up, but I saw something familiar in the profile (and dark red hair) of a bicyclist also at our stop. I wasn’t sure, but then I saw him trying to pull his collar up to hide more of his face. Bingo.

I pretended not to notice, but that night I placed an ad in Missed Connections- “Cute redhead who stood me up a few months ago- w4m- (waiting for the 72). Yeah, I saw you. It was pretty funny watching you try to hide from me. Sure I was pissed for a day or two, but I got over it. What did you think I would do, bitch you out in front of my kid? He’s too young to know his mom’s a slut.”

That night I got an email from Nick- “I owe you an apology. I know you saw me and I felt stupid.”

I wrote back “No worries, I don't hold grudges. I would like to know why you stood me up, though. Even if you did just decide I was too much of a heifer or something equally unflattering, I still crave narrative closure. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm cool with that, so don't worry about hurting my feelings. "

We exchanged about 50 short emails over the next two days, him pushing for another chance or at least dirty pictures, me trying (unsuccessfully, I’m sure,) to knock him down a peg. Then the emails stopped. I never did find out why he stood me up that night. If I ran into him again, would I give him another chance? I honestly don’t know.

* * *

Jack described himself as good-looking, successful and 32. He was most of those things. When we met at the Orange Julius, he told me straight off that he was actually 34, which was no big deal to me, and that he was married. Well. That one was kind of a big deal.

I had already told him that I wouldn’t be putting out that day, and since I didn’t (at that point) have an official policy on married men, I decided we might as well hang out for a while.

We went to a nearby bar to drink and smoke. We talked about our kids, his wife, my ex-husband, where we grew up. When the subject of Craigslist came up, I discovered that Jack had placed the “Does this really work?” ad. “So you’ve already seen my junk,” he said. I replied, truthfully, that when you saw as many pictures as I did, they all blend together.

There were many things I liked about Jack. We drank the same cocktail, shared many of the same views. He complimented me often, which I have never been accustomed to. His fingers were wide-knuckled without seeming coarse, and when he put his reading glasses on, I felt a little weak.

We talked for a few hours, and then he walked me home. I thought for a few days, and decided that no, I couldn’t knowingly fuck a married man. I sent him an email saying so, and that was the end of Jack.

I still see ads sometimes that I’m pretty sure are his. I don’t answer them.